SWARTHMORE AND BEYOND
I journeyed to Swarthmore with a Friend from Worcester Meeting. We went to participate in the course 'Welcoming the Soul'. The words in the brochure drew me in but essentially I chose this course for other reasons. My first was because I wanted to experience the Hall itself. The second was because my EfM tutor, Gill Pennington was, along with Verene, a Friend from Glasgow Meeting, one of the facilitators. So the actual course was not the paramount reason. However, this still turned out to be a perfect choice.
It was based on the writings of Parker J Palmer, an American Quaker, from his book “A Hidden Wholeness: The Journey Toward An Undivided Life”. |
The whole weekend was very slowly paced and held in an atmosphere of worship sharing. It was more a retreat than a 'workshop'.
It led us from consideration of our ability to form a 'Circle of Trust' using a list of 'Touchstones' .
To reflect on our Soul as a Wild Animal.
And finally to experiencing participation in a Meeting for Clearness.
I have worked with people most of my adult life and held confidentiality, or so I thought.
Over this weekend I learnt how hard it is to hold that trust in total awareness, absolutely and completely.
I learnt how easy it is to judge and have an underlying agenda when contemplating asking an open, honest and direct question.
How difficult to listen without responding, in words, deeds or thoughts.
To trust and learn from the silence.
To not expect answers or indeed response from the one who is the focus in need of clarity.
To stay out of the other's process.
It led us from consideration of our ability to form a 'Circle of Trust' using a list of 'Touchstones' .
To reflect on our Soul as a Wild Animal.
And finally to experiencing participation in a Meeting for Clearness.
I have worked with people most of my adult life and held confidentiality, or so I thought.
Over this weekend I learnt how hard it is to hold that trust in total awareness, absolutely and completely.
I learnt how easy it is to judge and have an underlying agenda when contemplating asking an open, honest and direct question.
How difficult to listen without responding, in words, deeds or thoughts.
To trust and learn from the silence.
To not expect answers or indeed response from the one who is the focus in need of clarity.
To stay out of the other's process.
It was an experience of rare insight into one's own soul. I felt joy and happiness through the deepening of the trust and care amongst the group and also deep anxiety and fear of the responsibility entrusted within the process.
I was moved to write some words when asked to consider a passage from Parker Palmer's book (pp58-59) which reflects on the idea of the soul as a wild animal. When I shared this with a small group I was informed that my words were also reflected in Psalm 139 vs 7 -12 which I have since read and marvelled at. |
And being at Swarthmore........
To sit in the Great Hall for Meeting for Worship was amazing. To walk the steps of the 'original' Quakers was very moving (no pun intended). The whole atmosphere was inspiring. And in such beautiful countryside – even though in very wet and windy weather.
My friend and I stayed at Swarthmore for two more nights which was so very special and fun including Laurel and Hardy and Peter Rabbit!
We parted and I continued my journey to Falkirk where I stayed with friends I had met through EfM.
We walked and talked and laughed and worshipped and discovered each other in deep and meaningful ways.
Throughout it all I could feel the tangible effect of the time spent at Swarthmore.
It had been apparent in the lakes and continued in Scotland.
It was such a wonderful thing to be sharing all this with such dear friends and discovering such wonderful sights.
To sit in the Great Hall for Meeting for Worship was amazing. To walk the steps of the 'original' Quakers was very moving (no pun intended). The whole atmosphere was inspiring. And in such beautiful countryside – even though in very wet and windy weather.
My friend and I stayed at Swarthmore for two more nights which was so very special and fun including Laurel and Hardy and Peter Rabbit!
We parted and I continued my journey to Falkirk where I stayed with friends I had met through EfM.
We walked and talked and laughed and worshipped and discovered each other in deep and meaningful ways.
Throughout it all I could feel the tangible effect of the time spent at Swarthmore.
It had been apparent in the lakes and continued in Scotland.
It was such a wonderful thing to be sharing all this with such dear friends and discovering such wonderful sights.
During this time I understood how terrified I am of betrayal.
That running away and hiding and leading a solitary life has, at times, been better than allowing people too near.
Fearing the intimacy be used against me in some way.
Or I'll not be accepted.
Or there will be an attempt to fix it, make it better.
When all I need in those moments is to be held and listened to, deeply.
Allowed to speak my truth without fear of judgement.
And yet oddly, even when it goes wrong and I get hurt, I never give up.
I always come out of the place where I've hidden and show myself again and again.
Perhaps this is a purpose or gift or lesson – who knows?
Maybe my Soul, which always finds me, knows.
That running away and hiding and leading a solitary life has, at times, been better than allowing people too near.
Fearing the intimacy be used against me in some way.
Or I'll not be accepted.
Or there will be an attempt to fix it, make it better.
When all I need in those moments is to be held and listened to, deeply.
Allowed to speak my truth without fear of judgement.
And yet oddly, even when it goes wrong and I get hurt, I never give up.
I always come out of the place where I've hidden and show myself again and again.
Perhaps this is a purpose or gift or lesson – who knows?
Maybe my Soul, which always finds me, knows.
And beyond Swarthmoor........
A return to Woodbrooke for the final short course of the two years. Towards Forgiveness. Someone spoke at the end of this course and said they thought that the effects of all learned may not be apparent immediately but would probably surface at a later time. Those words resonate with me. I share my insights knowing this is a work in progress. I looked up the roots of Forgiveness - it is thought to come from Old English and to mean - 'to give up completely the desire for punishment.' In the model we used for deeper understanding, forgiveness is a process of many stages. This I realised, when recounting one of my own experiences of many years ago, is something that can take years. And yet there are some stories of instant forgiveness after horrific injury. We were shown a harrowing film about the work done in Rwanda following the genocide. Listened to those stories. We spoke of the risk it takes to forgive or ask for forgiveness, without the expectation of it succeeding. The words on my 'artwork' reflect that and are poorly remembered. We also pondered on a passage by Marie McNeice, a religious sister of the Cross and Passion Order, who is the founder member of an organisation for people bereaved through the violence in Northern Ireland. She writes about whether forgiveness can be premature and which I identified with strongly. There were also moving extracts from The Forgiveness Project There was a lot to take in but I am sure it is all nestled in my heart to be drawn upon in need. |