THE BEGINNING
The first weekend of the course I arrived worn out, angry and fragile. I left feeling maybe there was some hope, some reason, some joy after all.
I have, in my adult life wanted to be open and show my vulnerability and so one morning following this weekend I found myself writing something to reveal to the other participants, in some small way, who I was. |
About Me 5th February 2016
I had a chaotic upbringing in an alcoholic family and I myself followed that path until I chose to change.
I then found I didn't know myself as, for the first time in my life, I was no longer defined by drug and alcohol abuse.
It sounds like a cliché, but it was like being reborn. I could be whatever I imagined I was!
And so I started.
But I found, as Robert K. Greenleaf writes in Servant Leadership:
“Awareness is not a giver of solace – it is just the opposite. It is a disturber and awakener”.
And my awareness brought just that. But at the same time I sometimes found an inner serenity.
I had a chaotic upbringing in an alcoholic family and I myself followed that path until I chose to change.
I then found I didn't know myself as, for the first time in my life, I was no longer defined by drug and alcohol abuse.
It sounds like a cliché, but it was like being reborn. I could be whatever I imagined I was!
And so I started.
But I found, as Robert K. Greenleaf writes in Servant Leadership:
“Awareness is not a giver of solace – it is just the opposite. It is a disturber and awakener”.
And my awareness brought just that. But at the same time I sometimes found an inner serenity.
life has taken many turns, Tarot, Reiki, Emotional Freedom Technique, Meditation, Sound healing, spiritual study with The Arcane School.
I have run spiritual workshops and, produced a book on Tarot.
However, for the time being, everything has been laid aside because in October 2012 I walked into my local Friends Meeting house and became a member in March 2015.
I have no way of knowing if this embrace of Quakers is for the rest of my life but for now it feels right and I want to give it my full attention.
So everything seemed perfect, I was retired, deepening my spiritual life, surrounded and supported by friends and family, happy, content, joyful even. I felt that my project would be something that integrated my life with Quaker life. It would be a melding of all that I had been with all that I am and all I could be. I had always been a catalyst for others, opened doors for people in need of spiritual solace, meaning to their lives, fulfilling their potential. A teacher and a healer.
I had, for the last 2 years been supporting and helping my younger sister in this way.
She has two adult sons. The youngest one, who has learning difficulties, had always lived with her as his Dad had left them when he was 18 and moved over to start a new life in America. In 2012, after waiting 7 years, my nephew was granted a visa which allowed him to go and live in Ohio with his Dad, Stepmother, Stepsister and Stepbrother. We all thought it was a wonderful opportunity and would be the making of him. He seemed, by this time, to have become alcohol dependent, aggressive and was making his Mum's life unbearable.
It felt that having his Dad back in his life would be beneficial.
For my sister, it gave her the opportunity to turn her own life around. For the first time since she had been left a single mother her life has become manageable. It has been a joy to watch her flourish and grow.
Then I had a phone call which has changed everything.
My nephew’s Dad had left a message on my phone telling me he couldn't deal with his son anymore and was putting him on a plane back to the UK and someone had to pick him up.
No-one wanted to take on this huge responsibility particularly as he had now been diagnosed as not only having learning difficulties, but also being on the Autistic spectrum and Bipolar. My sister decided, rightly in my opinion, not to have him back living with her. Our older sister is living in France most of the time and his older brother had just taken up a three year contract to live and work in New York. His Dad had had no contact with his own siblings for 20 years.
I know I had a choice, I could have said he had to go to his Mum. However, I knew that was not going to help him or her. I knew that would be the most selfish thing I could possibly do. Yet I was petrified of taking on this 37 year old with mental health problems given that I'd had no children of my own, no idea what to do with him, no concept of what it would be like.
After 3 sleepless nights I found that inner serenity. I became aware that this was my ministry.
I reflected on who I am and I came to the realisation that if I couldn't embrace my own nephew into my life then my spiritual life was a sham.
And so a week after the initial phone call he arrived back in the UK. Traumatised, physically and mentally. Terrified, alone, homeless. But one glimmer was that he hadn't had a drink of alcohol for 3 months.
Luckily, within 5 days I had found somewhere for him to stay, because one of the things I knew I couldn't do was have him living with me. As a family we are also very aware that he needs to be living independently as we are all probably, going to die before him.
When I look back over the first month I wonder how we got through it. It has been a steep learning curve for both him and me. It has been difficult and I am still coming to terms with all that I feel I have 'given up'. At one time I really couldn't imagine taking on EfM and considered cancelling. My older sister, who has given me her total support and helped me when I needed strength, persuaded me that it wasn't in my best interests to deprive myself of this wonderful opportunity.
There have been amazing rewards having him in my life. The first time he laughed. The first time he went to pick up his prescription from the Chemist on his own. The sense of self I see him finding. I have also found how good I am at tackling officialdom. I am a warrior when it comes to getting him what he needs. And slowly but surely there is improvement. We have a long way to go but both he and myself are getting to know one another. I'm getting to like and love him more.
He comes to me every evening for his evening meal and in the last two weeks I have been teaching him how to prepare and cook simple meals so now he is looking after me! I have also had and continue to have the most wonderful support from my family and all my friends and Friends. Without which I don't know how I would have and will manage.
So my Equipping for Ministry journey started from one perspective and then became something else.
I have run spiritual workshops and, produced a book on Tarot.
However, for the time being, everything has been laid aside because in October 2012 I walked into my local Friends Meeting house and became a member in March 2015.
I have no way of knowing if this embrace of Quakers is for the rest of my life but for now it feels right and I want to give it my full attention.
So everything seemed perfect, I was retired, deepening my spiritual life, surrounded and supported by friends and family, happy, content, joyful even. I felt that my project would be something that integrated my life with Quaker life. It would be a melding of all that I had been with all that I am and all I could be. I had always been a catalyst for others, opened doors for people in need of spiritual solace, meaning to their lives, fulfilling their potential. A teacher and a healer.
I had, for the last 2 years been supporting and helping my younger sister in this way.
She has two adult sons. The youngest one, who has learning difficulties, had always lived with her as his Dad had left them when he was 18 and moved over to start a new life in America. In 2012, after waiting 7 years, my nephew was granted a visa which allowed him to go and live in Ohio with his Dad, Stepmother, Stepsister and Stepbrother. We all thought it was a wonderful opportunity and would be the making of him. He seemed, by this time, to have become alcohol dependent, aggressive and was making his Mum's life unbearable.
It felt that having his Dad back in his life would be beneficial.
For my sister, it gave her the opportunity to turn her own life around. For the first time since she had been left a single mother her life has become manageable. It has been a joy to watch her flourish and grow.
Then I had a phone call which has changed everything.
My nephew’s Dad had left a message on my phone telling me he couldn't deal with his son anymore and was putting him on a plane back to the UK and someone had to pick him up.
No-one wanted to take on this huge responsibility particularly as he had now been diagnosed as not only having learning difficulties, but also being on the Autistic spectrum and Bipolar. My sister decided, rightly in my opinion, not to have him back living with her. Our older sister is living in France most of the time and his older brother had just taken up a three year contract to live and work in New York. His Dad had had no contact with his own siblings for 20 years.
I know I had a choice, I could have said he had to go to his Mum. However, I knew that was not going to help him or her. I knew that would be the most selfish thing I could possibly do. Yet I was petrified of taking on this 37 year old with mental health problems given that I'd had no children of my own, no idea what to do with him, no concept of what it would be like.
After 3 sleepless nights I found that inner serenity. I became aware that this was my ministry.
I reflected on who I am and I came to the realisation that if I couldn't embrace my own nephew into my life then my spiritual life was a sham.
And so a week after the initial phone call he arrived back in the UK. Traumatised, physically and mentally. Terrified, alone, homeless. But one glimmer was that he hadn't had a drink of alcohol for 3 months.
Luckily, within 5 days I had found somewhere for him to stay, because one of the things I knew I couldn't do was have him living with me. As a family we are also very aware that he needs to be living independently as we are all probably, going to die before him.
When I look back over the first month I wonder how we got through it. It has been a steep learning curve for both him and me. It has been difficult and I am still coming to terms with all that I feel I have 'given up'. At one time I really couldn't imagine taking on EfM and considered cancelling. My older sister, who has given me her total support and helped me when I needed strength, persuaded me that it wasn't in my best interests to deprive myself of this wonderful opportunity.
There have been amazing rewards having him in my life. The first time he laughed. The first time he went to pick up his prescription from the Chemist on his own. The sense of self I see him finding. I have also found how good I am at tackling officialdom. I am a warrior when it comes to getting him what he needs. And slowly but surely there is improvement. We have a long way to go but both he and myself are getting to know one another. I'm getting to like and love him more.
He comes to me every evening for his evening meal and in the last two weeks I have been teaching him how to prepare and cook simple meals so now he is looking after me! I have also had and continue to have the most wonderful support from my family and all my friends and Friends. Without which I don't know how I would have and will manage.
So my Equipping for Ministry journey started from one perspective and then became something else.