TIME TO BREATHE
Time to Breathe 11th November 2016
I am taking breath at Woodbrooke which is already performing it's magic.
Here for two courses, Walking with a Smile into the Dark and Being Friends Together.
As I sat in Meeting for Worship yesterday, in the Cadbury Room, I felt a calling to remember each of those participating in EfM, by name. The first 10 came into my mind and heart easily, the following 5 took a little longer and, with some difficulty, I reached 18. At this point I became aware that my anxiety levels were rising as I became troubled that I was unable to recall the final four names.
This awareness of how I was feeling halted my endeavours and I opened my eyes.
Through the window I saw the edge of the spiral staircase climbing up the outside of the building and, unbidden, came the thought, "go upwards and see it all from a higher place". This brought to mind the mantra I have been repeating to myself - "Hold the vision, trust the process and allow spirit to guide". The worry and anxiety seemed to lift of it's own accord and in that space of peace and heartfelt gratitude, the final four names came to mind in a tumble of joy. I was embraced with a sense of gathering with them all, with those gathered in Meeting, beyond Woodbrooke, known and unknown. And beyond.
I am taking breath at Woodbrooke which is already performing it's magic.
Here for two courses, Walking with a Smile into the Dark and Being Friends Together.
As I sat in Meeting for Worship yesterday, in the Cadbury Room, I felt a calling to remember each of those participating in EfM, by name. The first 10 came into my mind and heart easily, the following 5 took a little longer and, with some difficulty, I reached 18. At this point I became aware that my anxiety levels were rising as I became troubled that I was unable to recall the final four names.
This awareness of how I was feeling halted my endeavours and I opened my eyes.
Through the window I saw the edge of the spiral staircase climbing up the outside of the building and, unbidden, came the thought, "go upwards and see it all from a higher place". This brought to mind the mantra I have been repeating to myself - "Hold the vision, trust the process and allow spirit to guide". The worry and anxiety seemed to lift of it's own accord and in that space of peace and heartfelt gratitude, the final four names came to mind in a tumble of joy. I was embraced with a sense of gathering with them all, with those gathered in Meeting, beyond Woodbrooke, known and unknown. And beyond.
In the last few weeks I have had to be in my anger and fear. Caught up in a new and terrifying experience as my nephew spiralled out of control and into a manic phase. This resulted in his arrest and eventually being sectioned under the Mental Health Act. He has now been diagnosed Bipolar.
I cannot imagine where he has been in his own mind.
For me, there was my own awareness of utter vulnerability and weakness. Having to admit to being scared and frightened. In an unknown place with no control, no skill, no knowledge of how to help. Not wanting to let go but unable to hold on to him any longer.
In letting go I found my self surrounded by darkness, hidden and utterly exhausted. Yet in that dark place of submission I felt utterly loved and peaceful and a sense of being embraced. Wave upon wave of comfort washing over me. Holding me and keeping me safe. The darkness was my refuge and I was happy to be there for a while. Like an animal licking my wounds.
Until I was able to look up again and welcome the light
My nephew is gradually improving, returning, getting stronger, maybe........
And even in my lowest times I felt we were upheld.
The faith that all would be well if I let go had abandoned me, or I had abandoned.
Trust can be such a hard thing to hold on to. So ephemeral.
Throughout all this madness the world has turned and chaos seems to have ensued. Not only in my small, insignificant, world but mirrored everywhere in the larger world. Or maybe it's the other way around? Or maybe it's both?
But I know I must continue to "Go upwards, hold the vision, trust the process and allow spirit to guide". I am too weary to do otherwise.
And maybe, just maybe, I can do it all with a smile.
And I will come to "walk cheerfully over the world, answering that of God in everyone".
I cannot imagine where he has been in his own mind.
For me, there was my own awareness of utter vulnerability and weakness. Having to admit to being scared and frightened. In an unknown place with no control, no skill, no knowledge of how to help. Not wanting to let go but unable to hold on to him any longer.
In letting go I found my self surrounded by darkness, hidden and utterly exhausted. Yet in that dark place of submission I felt utterly loved and peaceful and a sense of being embraced. Wave upon wave of comfort washing over me. Holding me and keeping me safe. The darkness was my refuge and I was happy to be there for a while. Like an animal licking my wounds.
Until I was able to look up again and welcome the light
My nephew is gradually improving, returning, getting stronger, maybe........
And even in my lowest times I felt we were upheld.
The faith that all would be well if I let go had abandoned me, or I had abandoned.
Trust can be such a hard thing to hold on to. So ephemeral.
Throughout all this madness the world has turned and chaos seems to have ensued. Not only in my small, insignificant, world but mirrored everywhere in the larger world. Or maybe it's the other way around? Or maybe it's both?
But I know I must continue to "Go upwards, hold the vision, trust the process and allow spirit to guide". I am too weary to do otherwise.
And maybe, just maybe, I can do it all with a smile.
And I will come to "walk cheerfully over the world, answering that of God in everyone".
There is a poem which cannot be placed here. It is created from frightened and angry words spoken by my nephew in his darkest place. And yet I own them too, from my darkest place.
They are too raw to share but know they exist.
During this time I disconnected from the world. My whole life engulfed by emotion and practicalities. Without the help of so many people I doubt I would have been able to cope and yet underlying this was guilt that I had nothing to give back. All reflected in this poem.
They are too raw to share but know they exist.
During this time I disconnected from the world. My whole life engulfed by emotion and practicalities. Without the help of so many people I doubt I would have been able to cope and yet underlying this was guilt that I had nothing to give back. All reflected in this poem.