BEYOND ANGER
As I have revealed previously, I have used the tarot for many years. Each card not only has an image and in some cases a name written on it they have also been given a number.
In my extensive study of the cards I have dipped into the concept of numerology and the meanings that are given to certain numbers. This has added to my understanding of the many layers of meaning and helped in making sense of who I am and why I am here. I realised recently that the year 2016, when broken down to it's one digit, is a number 9. In tarot this is the final card of the cycle, the culmination of all that has occurred, before moving on to the 10. 10 is completion and often expressed as 1+0, the end and beginning, full of potential and promise. Such therefore is 2017. This helped me to make sense of the deep feeling of anger I felt towards life, in all its aspects, at the end of 2016 and the start of 2017. And became part of the slow process of moving once again into hope. It was a difficult transition. I was in deep fear and totally out of balance. Beginning with my own self and rippling out into community and the world. The anger was powerful beyond measure, and it took a great deal of energy to hold it in check. This felt so very necessary as I recognised it's potential for destruction. For a time I was even afraid to talk of it as I felt if I acknowledged it it would consume me. Perhaps sharing some words I wrote down at it's height might convey the feelings. |
I had no sense that this would pass, as all things must.
After writing these words, owning and acknowledging this aspect of my being, I felt able to reach out to others for help, as I couldn't access that which was within on my own. I reached out to those I knew I could trust, who would not judge, who would not advise or attempt to fix. Those that through their own wisdom and compassion were able to hold and uphold me, say the words from spirit that I could not hear for myself. Becoming an outward expression of the divine message that was hidden from me. Eventually I was able to break through the veil and find my goodness once again. Equilibrium returned and I felt more complete. There has been transition and change but beyond what I expected. It's as though by owning my angry self, once again, I have enabled the integration of many different aspects of myself. I have rediscovered those parts of myself I had, unconsciously, laid aside when I first came to Quakers. Using words Caro another seeker, recently spoke to me - I have now embodied all that I am. Full of potential and renewal, all to be nurtured and treated with compassion. And just as my anger consumed all, so too does the new sense of hope. Remarkable really. |